Feliciano's Diary
by Mewsol
Summary: A daily account of Feliciano's life... without Ludwig. Rated T for violence/self-harm.
1. Nightmare

Dear diary...

How could he do this to me? He left me without saying a word.  
>Right now, I'm on my bed. No, slash that. I'm on <em>Ludwig's<em> bed.  
>Where he should be, comforting <em>me.<em>

And I don't understand why he had to leave. He could at least have said "Auf Wiedersehen".  
>Does he even love me anymore? It's been an entire week. And I haven't seen his face...<p>

If Ludwig was here, he'd tell me to keep smiling. He loves my smile, my happiness...

But Ludwig... his very presence is what makes me happy. If he's not with me, I can't see a reason to smile. When he left, all the happiness was sucked out of me like a vacuum.

And even worse... this is the second time he's left me... the _second_ time!

That painful goodbye... when Ludwig was the Holy Roman Empire. That hurt me like a bullet through my chest...

I had gone into a deep state of depression for the longest time.

That was, until I met him again...  
>...when he found me in the tomato box.<p>

I found that he reminded me of Holy Roman Empire... so I was always smiling when I was around him.~

We went through so many painful battles during the second world war... those memories, I prefer to hide in the back of my mind. Throughout each battle, I was worried that I would lose Ludwig...

...and now... I've lost him again...

I'm trapped in an endless nightmare, only it's real. This is a real nightmare, that I will never wake up from.

Darkness surrounds me every second.  
>The world I once knew is slowly disappearing.<br>And I can't do anything about it...

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	2. Silver lining

12:30 PM

Dear diary,

What's a silver lining? I really want to know, it sounds wonderful. Miss Hungary stopped by my empty house today. She told me:

"Feli, there's always a silver lining. No matter how depressing things may seem. You'll just have to find the silver lining yourself."

Maybe what Hungary said could make Ludwig come back. But she said I have to find it myself.

I don't understand any of it. And writing to you isn't giving me any answers.

Oh, the pasta's finished boiling. Not like the answers are in the pasta, that's ridiculous.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>3:45 PM<p>

Dear diary,

I still don't know what a silver lining is, unfortunately. I try to think about what it could mean, but nothing comes to mind. Hungary said I have to find the silver lining myself, but how am I supposed to find it when I don't know what it looks like?

Fratello just called me. I'm needed at a world meeting. I'm debating whether or not to go.

Of course, since I'm a nation, I have to go anyway, whether I want to or not. I really don't like meetings, they're very boring. America, England, and France always fight, and I usually try to avoid the fighting, so then I wind up clinging to Germany.

Except he's not here.  
>He can't protect me anymore.<br>I'm all alone.

And that silver lining sounds great about now. I still wish I knew what it was.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	3. I hate sleeping

8:25 PM (same day)

Dear diary,

I'm glad I have Gilbert and Elizaveta on my side.

They protected me from all the violence that erupted in the conference room. It started with America and England fighting, as usual. France, China, Russia, and Poland tried to stop the fight, but only wound up adding fuel to the fire. Poland dragged poor Lithuania into the whole mess. I feel sorry for him.

Germany wasn't around to keep order. Nothing got accomplished at all. I don't even remember what we were supposed to be talking about.

The other nations used Germany's absence to their advantage, that's how I see it.

They didn't even notice me sitting in the corner of the room, Prussia and Hungary trying to comfort me. I'm glad those two had enough sense not to get involved in the fight at all. Normally, Gilbert would be yelling at everyone, "listen to the awesome me and shut up", and Elizaveta would be whacking everyone with her frying pan.

Peace cannot be paved unless we all learn the definition of "compassion".

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>7:45 PM<p>

Dear diary,

Even though I'm trapped in this real nightmare called my life, I'm still having bad dreams when I'm asleep. Now I hate my 3:00 siestas. Because I always have the worst dreams. I'll try and describe one to you.

I'm locked in a cage. A strange shadowy figure is holding a gun. He turns his head to me, with an evil grin. The shadow says nothing. I turn my head to see Ludwig. He's sitting on the ground next to the shadow.

I call out, "Ludwig! Run away! Save yourself!" He doesn't hear me at all. The shadow turns to Ludwig, pointing the gun at him.

"Ludwig! No! Don't let yourself be killed!" I shout. Still, nothing. My words have no effect. And I try to break out of the cage, but to no avail.

"Why aren't you saying anything!"

One shot, in the chest.

Ludwig falls to the ground, dead.

The shadow turns to me, and the wind picks up. I can see a scarf flowing in the breeze.

That's all I see of the figure before I wake up crying.

In fact, I'm crying while I'm writing this. Tears are falling onto the page.

I wish I didn't have these nightmares.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	4. Finding the answers

9:45 AM

Dear diary,

I keep seeing the same shadowy figure in my dreams. Last night's dream was a continuation of the previous dream. I've been trying to figure who or what that shadow might represent.

I finally realized who it was: Ivan.

Ivan has snuck his way into my dreams! It's very strange. I know he's very scary and imposing, but he wouldn't ever try to kill Ludwig. That's only in my dreams.

I think I'm going crazy. I should probably go talk to Ivan later. People say that your dreams mean something. Maybe talking to Ivan will help me find out what they mean.

Although I might, as I said earlier, just be going crazy.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>12:30 PM<p>

Dear diary,

I'm at Russia's house right now. He's been overly nice to me, listening to everything: about my dreams, and the nightmare I'm living through. Ivan even gave me some lunch, and it was quite delicious, actually. The piroshki helped me take my mind off of everything.

Ivan, although he could just be lying, said he did not know the cause of Ludwig's absence. He had that childish smile on his face like he usually did. I didn't notice anything suspicious.

But Russia's really smart. He could probably be hiding something that I don't know about, and he's really good at that. Which is why I was kind of nervous telling him about my dreams.

I'm thinking back to what Hungary said: "There's always a silver lining. You just need to find it yourself."

Maybe the answers are in my dreams. I'm still afraid of taking my siesta today, but I'm going to have to. After all, there might be no other way to solve this mystery.

Why _did_ Ludwig leave me?

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>4:50 PM<p>

Dear diary,

The shadowy figure revealed itself as Russia. Ludwig was still dead in my dream. Ivan continued to bash Ludwig with his pipe. It was the most horrifying thing to watch.

A fountain of blood spouted from Ludwig's chest.

I couldn't believe what I was being forced to see. But I had to get through this nightmare, in order to find clues.

Ivan seemed amused. He giggled at the fountain he had created. Then he turned to me.

_"I destroyed the silver lining. There's no hope for you. He's not coming back, da?"_

That was when I woke up. I'm still thinking about what Ivan said in the dream. A silver lining... it probably means hope. A positive side.

Why did Ivan say that he had destroyed it?

Is there hope for me? Could there be something more to his words?

Maybe I'll ask Japan tomorrow. Ludwig may have left me, but I still have good friends that can help me. I'm glad for that.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	5. Saving myself

1:30 PM

Dear diary,

I looked up a recipe for piroshki. It wasn't very hard to make, and it tasted delicious. Almost as delicious as Ivan made them. Maybe I should make some for Japan today. Speaking of Japan, I'm trying to figure out what to ask him.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>2:00 PM<p>

Dear diary,

I'm at Japan's house now. I'm still wondering what to ask him. By the way, he enjoyed the piroshki.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>3:00 PM<p>

Dear diary,

I'm still at Japan's house. I talked to him for a while. He said that everything in a dream means something, and that Ivan's presence in my dream probably meant something was overpowering me. Kiku told me what everything else in my dream meant. I remember his exact words.

"You were probably trapped in a cage in the dream because you felt helpless to do anything. Something must be preventing you from escaping the darkness that surrounds you. And that something is your own self. Only you can escape the nightmare you live through. You must rely on yourself for once to find the true source of happiness."

I think I understand now. I need to fix all of this. Ludwig can't be my only source of happiness, right? I have many other friends I can count on. Like Elizaveta. And Gilbert.

But Japan said I need to rely on myself. I've always found myself relying on other people for help since I was born. I'm so used to it now, I don't know how to rely on myself.

How am I going to fix this? Maybe I just have to pretend Ludwig isn't in my life at all, and that I never met him in the first place. I wonder if that will work? No, that'll just make things worse. But the only way to rely on myself is to forget about relying on others. Which means I have to forget about Ludwig, right? But how am I supposed to do that?

I don't know anything anymore. I wish all of this confusion, this heartache, all of the darkness and nightmares that surround me constantly, would just go away.

I need to rely on myself.

I'll make it all go away.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	6. Piroshki

8:00 AM

Dear diary,

You learn something every day, right? The only way for me to rely on myself is to forget about relying on others.

I don't care if I cry every night out of loneliness, I don't care if my pasta tastes different. I don't care if Ludwig's gone. Why should I cry over him if he's not coming back? Life goes on, and I've learned to accept that.

I need to forget about everyone else. I need to find the true source of happiness, without help. I can't have someone else find it for me.

Finally, I've found my happiness. I'm alone in my room right now, with a plate of piroshki. The front door is locked, and no one can disturb me and my happiness.

And the piroshki, of course! It's so very delicious. I filled the piroshki with all kinds of fruit. Apples, blueberries, strawberries- it's so delicious. I guess piroshki is the key to happiness!

Bite after bite. Delicious, sweet flavors melting in my mouth and sliding down my throat.

Isolation was really the best choice. It's just me, and the piroshki. And the gorgeous view of Florence outside my window. I can see the cathedral from here, the dome shining in the sunlight.

I really want to thank Ivan, for showing me how delicious piroshki is. And Kiku, for giving me a new view on life.

But I can't talk to them. After all, I have to forget about everyone else now, I've already found happiness.

The nightmares will all be gone. I just know it.

And Ludwig is no longer a problem.

I take another bite of piroshki.

Bite, bite. My troubles dissolve like salt in water.

Bite, bite. Happiness washes over me like a waterfall.

Smile.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	7. A black cloak

_2 weeks later_

5:30 PM

Dear diary,

I started writing here because I needed a way to express my feelings without worrying anyone else. But now, since I'm happy again, I don't really have a reason to write in here anymore.

Fratello's getting annoyed with all the piroshki I'm making. I told him, "piroshki melts my troubles."

He thinks I'm going crazy. But I'm not, right? I've found my happiness, just like Kiku told me to.

I'm going to try putting some wurst sausage in the piroshki this time.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>7:45 PM<p>

Oh Dio! Am I full! I made so much piroshki today. Each with different kinds of filling. Including the sausage.

Apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries. Fruit. The fruit that melts my troubles.

Sausage, potatoes, tomatoes.

And gnocchi.

Lovino flipped out once he saw the gnocchi. I don't understand why, it's a very delicious filling! I don't even think Ivan's tried that before. I need to go thank him! I'm out of isolation now anyway. My time alone got really boring, and I needed company. I thrive on company. Speaking of company, I have an idea! I can have a "piroshki party!" And I can invite everyone! All of my friends that I care for so dearly. I'll make lots and lots of piroshki, will all kinds of fillings! Life is so much better now that I've found a new favorite food!

I'm going to call everyone else tomorrow morning. It'll be the most wonderful party ever!

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>9:00 AM<p>

Dear diary,

I'm so happy! I'm going to make a list of everyone that's coming: Japan, America, England, France, Russia, China, Canada, Belgium, Netherlands, Austria, Hungary, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Finland, Turkey, Spain, Korea, Prussia, and Sweden.

Phew! I'm glad I got a list, and that I have so many friends that care about me. This is the way it should be.

Time to make some piroshki! I'll have to teach Fratello the recipe, but we can make enough for everyone if we work really hard!

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>10:00 AM<p>

Dear diary,

Wow! The tables, cabinets, counters- they're all filled with plates of piroshki. All organized by filling! Lovino didn't want to help at first, but he decided to help anyway, since so many nations were coming over. All of it looks so delicious! I'm tired, I'm going to take a nap before the party.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>11:45 AM<p>

Dear diary,

I had a strange dream. It wasn't a nightmare, but it confused me a lot. There was a strange boy in a black cloak. He had icy blue eyes, and he was blushing. He kept turning away from me whenever I tried to ask who he was. "Italia... you don't recognize me?" he had asked me. The boy seemed worried. "I don't know who you are, mi dispiace," I told him, apologizing. "That's why I want to ask you who you are."

I remember his haunting reply clearly.

"I came back for you... but now it seems you have forgotten about me. You promised, you said you would make lots of sweets for my return. How... how could you forget?"

That was when I woke up. I'm still thinking about it. The boy didn't seem familiar at all. And why would he say that I made a promise to him? I had never met this boy in my life.

No use talking to Japan about it. After all, he's coming to my house for a party, and a good time. Oh! I just remembered. I spent so much time on the piroshki, I forgot to get the drinks! I turn my head to the kitchen.

Oh, I see Fratello took care of it already. Never mind. Time to think cheerful, positive thoughts, and not about confusing dreams.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	8. Don't worry, Feliciano

_What have I done?_

_All I wanted was to get away from everything. The memories that haunted me._

_And why did they appear... when I was around Feliciano? The man I love very much._

_Are these memories... painful enough to make me leave him, for three whole weeks?_

_But I know Feliciano. His happiness, his smile, his cheerful personality. I'm going to come home to him, and he's going to run into my arms, crying. Telling me the words I love to hear._

_Every day, he tells me how much he loves me, and how he never wants to leave me._

_Don't worry, Feliciano. I'm coming home soon, I promise. How I long to hear your voice, see your face again. I'm going to come home, Feliciano._

_As soon as these memories..._

_As soon as these memories stop haunting me._

* * *

><p>Sorry for the shortness! ;A;<p> 


	9. Forgotten

1:30 PM

Dear diary,

I hear Lovino calling everyone. "Party's off. My stupid brother's gone crazy."

He finishes all the calls. "Help me clean up," he says.

Ivan opens the door and offers to help as well.

"I will not let this delightful piroshki go to waste, da?" Ivan says, taking all the piroshki and walkingback home with it. Lovino seems relieved.

Lovino turns to me, enraged. He's angry at me for making him cook "that Russian bastard's food", and at himself for agreeing to cook it in the first place.

"Go back in isolation. I liked it better when you were quiet. At least you're not thinking about your stupid potato bastard anymore, dammit."

I obey his demands and return to my room.

Lovino is talking on the phone to Antonio, I can tell by listening. "Ludwig is out of our lives now. I don't have to worry about my idiot brother obsessing over that bastard. I don't even care if Feliciano thinks macho potato is "Holy Roman Empire" or whatever."

All the memories come flooding back.

Ludwig. He's probably coming home soon.

I went on with my life like he never existed. And he's going to come home, to hear me tell him that I love him.

But over time, as I tried to forget about his absence, I forgot how much I loved him.

And now, I don't love him anymore.

I want to love him, but I can't for some reason.

Making myself love him will only increase the pressure I receive.

Ludwig, he can come home.

But I won't be there to tell him...that I don't love him anymore.

_~Feliciano Vargas_


	10. Destroyed

5:30 PM

Dear diary,

I can't bear to tell Ludwig what happened to me. How I lost my love for him. I can't tell him that. Not in person, at least. I know he's coming home soon, I just know it somehow. He's going to be heartbroken when he sees how mentally damaged I am. How much his absence has destroyed my entire being.

_How it destroyed the silver lining._

_Silver lining._ One thing I wish I had now.

Suddenly, I feel something strange running through my mind. It's a strange feeling I've never had before.

I'm going to the kitchen to get something. Don't worry, I'll be okay. The pain will be gone. I won't have to tell Ludwig that I don't love him anymore.

This is my last entry.

_~Feliciano Vargas_

* * *

><p>"Feliciano, I'm home." I call out.<p>

No response... I need to find him now. I have something very important to ask him.

I clutch the velvet box in my hands tightly, walking upstairs to Feliciano's room.

I stop suddenly at the entrance to his room. Door closed. A puddle of blood staining the carpet.

A note on the door.

_Ludwig. By the time you're reading this, I'll already be gone by now. You were gone for too long. I couldn't stand the heartache anymore, so I pushed you out of my mind, trying to move on with my life._

_Weeks passed. I lost my love for you over time, something I never thought would happen. But it did. I tried to find a way to love you again, but I didn't want to put any more pressure on myself. I couldn't bear to tell you this in person, so I wrote it in a note instead._

_Don't walk into the room, Ludwig. You'll see nothing but a dead nation in front of you. You don't want to see that, do you?_

_Oh, one last thing. Tell Fratello he's Italia now._

_~Feliciano Vargas _

_former "Italia Veneziano"_

I'm trying so hard not to cry. But the tears just keep falling out of my eyes. Should I walk into the room, or not?

I reread the last part of the letter. _"Tell Fratello he's Italia now."_

My heart cracks in half. I feel immense pain in my chest as more tears stream down my face. I try to push back the tears, but my emotions are far stronger than my willpower...

No one can replace my Italia.

_**My** Italia..._

I pause for a moment.

"There's got to be a silver lining." I open up the box, revealing a glimmering diamond ring inside.

"And I'm going to find it."


	11. Broken

I open the door with a thud. Feliciano's right. I can see his body, lying in a pool of his own blood.

How... how could Feliciano do this to himself? I was supposed to protect him, to keep him happy, to prevent... _this._

And it's all my fault. I made Feliciano do this. Dark feelings of guilt, regret, and sadness pour into my heart. For once I can't control my emotions.

The tears. The salty water that drips from my eyes mixes with the blood all over the floor.

Memories flood into my mind as I stare into Feliciano's eyes. His broken, destroyed, amber eyes.

A little girl, singing in a field of flowers, holding a push-broom. It's such a sweet little voice, it reminds me of Feliciano. But I won't be able to hear that voice anymore. To see that smile I love so much.

Looking around the room, I see no sign of a silver lining. I kneel down next to the body, to see if there is any hope. I check for breathing and signs of life.

In Feliciano's hand is a diary.


	12. Hope

I read the diary pages, trying my best to surpress the tears. I want to _kill_ myself for this. When I left Feliciano, I never thought he could change so suddenly like this. It was only three weeks, right?

Three weeks. Not very long for me, but to Feliciano, it seemed like centuries.

The last page will forever stick in my mind like glue as it haunts me with its horryfing words.

_See? I told you I can be happy! I don't need a silver lining to be happy! Who cares if Ludwig destroyed the silver lining! I can still be happy!_

_Who cares if I'm dying right now? Who cares? Nobody! Nobody cares! To everyone else, I'm just a useless pasta-loving bastard who can't even pick up a freaking gun! So why would they care! No one would ever care about me!_

_No one-_

The entry ends there. There is no signature. Just a blood stain at the bottom of the page.

I look closer. The blood stain is in the shape of a heart. Was this coincidence? Or on purpose?

Did Feliciano want me to find his diary?

I'll never know anymore, because he's not alive to tell me.

I can't look at the deep cuts Feliciano made in his chest without crying. I stand up and try to leave the room, and the horrifying sight. But I can't.

I feel something... grabbing onto my leg.

I hear a gasp.

Mein Schatz...

_...Italia Veneziano lives._


	13. Sweets

"H-Holy Roman Empire... you've returned~"

I turn around. Feliciano still has that terrifying gash in his chest, but yet... he's... smiling?

And who is this "Holy Roman Empire"?

I pick up Italy, holding his limp, delicate body tightly in my arms. "Mein Engel... I... y-you... y-you're alive..."

"Holy Rome~!" Feliciano exclaims cheerfully, smiling brightly. The smile I love so very much... "I'm sorry I don't have any sweets~ But at least you're here~ At least you're alive, ve~!"

At least I'm alive? Shouldn't it be the other way around...?

"I thought you had died, Holy Rome~! I'm so glad you're back~" he says, ignoring his wounds. It's almost as if he doesn't feel the pain that he caused himself.

Just then, I feel a headache.

That little girl again. I hear a sweet, high-pitched voice in my head, speaking to me.

_"Mmm~ I'll always wait~! I'll make lots and lots of sweets for your return~! Ti amo molto, Holy Roman Empire~!"_

I snap back to reality when Feliciano starts speaking again.

"Are you okay, Holy Rome~? You seem to be having a headache... Let me fix it for you~" Feliciano struggles a bit before sitting up, and gently rubs my forehead.

"I-I'm not Holy Rome, you must be mistaken..." I say.

"Well then who are you~?"

My eyes open wide from surprise. I guess he's still trying to recover his memory... "I'm Ludwig... Ludwig Beilschmidt. Bundesrepublik Deutschland... does that ring a bell to you?" It feels awkward having to introduce myself again.

"Nope~"

I sigh. This is going to be difficult... He doesn't remember me at all. Only that Holy Rome person, whoever he is...

But who was that little girl from my memories? She was calling me "Holy Rome" too. I decide to ask Feliciano about it.

"Er... Feliciano... do you know a little girl in a maid dress? She was holding a push-broom, and she had brown hair, with a little curl sticking out-"

I don't even bother to finish my sentence. I stare at Feliciano's face intently. I finally realize...

That little girl... _is Feliciano._

Which means... I must be...

_Holy Roman Empire..._


	14. Angel

We stare into each other's eyes for a few minutes, not saying anything.

Feliciano is the first one to break the silence.

"Ludwig... I... remember you.~" He smiles slightly.

"You do?" I ask. "Tell me who I am."

"You are Ludwig Beilschmidt, the nation of Germany. You are... mi amore..." Feliciano pauses.

"You are the Holy Roman Empire.~"

"Ja, I am," I reply. "I've returned, Italien..." I pet his head gently, clutching him tightly in my arms. I lean down and kiss his forehead gently, to comfort him.

His smile grows wider. I notice tears forming in his eyes. "Veeee~ Ludwig~ I'm so happy~ Ti amo Ludwig~!" he exclaims, his vitality returning. "Baciami ancora~"

I feel myself blushing as I fulfill his request. I lean down once again and gently press my lips against his, shifting my arm slightly to support Feliciano's back. He opens his mouth slightly, allowing my tongue entrance into his mouth. I gladly take this opportunity.

As our tongues run up against each other, I feel a slight headache again. A memory resurfaces.

_"Ever since the 900's... I've always loved you." My lips are suddenly meeting with the young Feliciano's lips. After a few minutes, our lips part. I say my last words to my little angel, my precious Italia..._

_"No matter how many hundreds of years go by, I'll always love you more than anyone in the world!"_

I part my lips with Feliciano's, holding him close. I feel a slight smile forming on my face and tears dripping down.

"Ich liebe dich auch"

_We are reunited._

~DAS ENDE~

~LA FINE~


	15. Epilogue

_EPILOGUE_

"Feliciano..." I pause nervously for a moment, taking out the velvet box and opening it.

The diamond ring is inside, glittering. Like the silver lining.

I feel so many different emotions right now. Anxiousness, fear, nervousness, happiness... pouring into one. I'm trying my best to keep a straight face.

We stare into each other's eyes for a while. "Y-you're blushing..." Feliciano says to me. "Are you alright-"

"Feliciano." I interrupt. "Will you... marry me...?"

Finally, I get the words out of my mouth and out into the open.

I see tears building up in Feliciano's eyes, wondering if I did something wrong. Then, I notice his smile.

"Veeee~ of course, Ludwig~! But before we get married, I need to get healed first, okay~? My chest hurts a lot, and so does my arm.~"

That's just like Feliciano. To act like his injury is not even that significant. And then I remember he really does need to be healed.

"Absolutely. I'll take you to a hospital right away," I reply. "No, Ludwig.~ I want you to heal me," Feliciano requests.

My eyes open wide in shock. "Erm... I haven't much training as a medic, Feliciano. But I shall try my best for you," I say with a slight smile, causing Feliciano to giggle.

Feliciano picks up the diamond ring and gently holds it in his hands. "Veeeh~ Ludwig~ you found the silver lining~!"

I found the silver lining...? Feliciano was the one who remembered me, who wouldn't let go of his life because of me...

I shake my head. "Nein, Italien. You found the silver lining," I correct him, rubbing his cheek gently. He asks for a kiss, and I, of course, grant his wish.

As our lips touched, it was then that I found the answer.

_We both found the silver lining._


End file.
